How to start over after divorce

Divorce can create the belief within us that we have “wasted time” on a marriage that didn’t last. It can leave us feeling like we have “lost years” that we will never get back. And the way we go about life after this can range from giving up hope that we will ever be happy again or feeling rushed to not lose anymore time.

The first thing I’d like you to know is that you haven’t lost any time at all. Time isn’t wasted when we have gone through something that has taught us and helped us grow. Divorce is one of those life-changing events that is loaded with opportunities for better understanding yourself and learning more about life. It can make you so wise! So, if you follow this plan, you’ll focus on healing and rejuvenating yourself. You’ll be walking into this new phase of life at a greater advantage than you did before you even got married!

Here’s what to do…

1. SHIFT YOUR PERSPECTIVE— Don’t allow yourself to be overpowered by thoughts of what you have lost. Focus on everything you have gained. With every loss, there are new opportunities. You’re moving in a new direction, but who says that this new direction leads to something bad? Ask yourself these questions: What could possibly improve in your now that you’re living without your former partner? What are the little things (or big ones) that you are grateful for each day? Write these things down. Keep a gratitude journal and meditate on all that is good.
2. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE— One of the most difficult things about divorce is that it can feel extremely isolating. I have heard from many clients that they felt more supported by friends and family after a loved one passed away than after they went through a divorce. Unfortunately, many people don’t understand the devastation you may be feeling. And sadly some will run the other way, as though they fear that if they spend time with you, their marriage will be infected by the same “divorce disease”. 

So what do you do? Choose one or two people that you really trust and explain to them what you’re going through. Let them know that, for you, feeling free to express what you’re feeling right now will help you in your journey to healing. The hope is that they will then see how much the divorce is affecting you and will understand how valuable their support could be. The other option? Find a divorce support group. Social groups such as meetup.com should have divorce groups in your area. Nationwide groups like Divorce Care may also be a great option for you. Don’t hold your feelings in. Processing out loud, where you feel safe, will do wonders!
3. DON’T RUSH — Move at your own pace on this journey. Don’t let friends and family or your fears, tell you that you have to be in a new relationship ASAP. Entering into a romantic relationship too soon can result in regret. You haven’t given yourself time to learn all of the lessons. And when you make major life decisions while you’re grieving, you’re not making a decision that takes into account your logic and your feelings. You won’t see clearly. And you may stagnate your healing if you’re distracting yourself by being in a new relationship.
4. INVEST IN YOURSELF — Find a therapist that specializes in divorce recovery and trauma and then treat your sessions like self-care—because they are. Get massages. Go on long walks. Spend time with people you love. Travel. Get involved in activities that you love or that you want to try for the first time. Give yourself the love you would love to get from someone else. Make time for laughter. And rather than overextending yourself with others, don’t hold back from saying “No!”.
5. LOVE YOUR ALONE TIME— While it is important to not spend too much time alone, it is also important to balance companionship with moments of solitude. What is one of the greatest benefits of not being married? Having the freedom to make decisions without having to get input from anyone else. You are fortunate enough to be able to spend time alone—guilt free. If you have children, get a sitter or a friend to watch your children while you set aside time to just “be”. If you don’t already, learn to love your own company. Give yourself time to feel. Trust me, if and when you find love again, you will likely miss how easy it is to be alone right now.
6. FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT— What do you want your future to look like? What will it look like for you to be “in a good place”? What can you do right now to move you one step closer to your “good place”? Do you want to be in another relationship someday? What qualities do you want your future partner to have? What do you want your relationship to look like? How do you want to feel in your new life? What aspects of your personality do you want to accentuate and bring to the forefront? And what are some ways in which you can improve as a person? Listen to your inner monologue like you never have before. Knowing yourself is a very valuable step in becoming the best version of yourself.
7. MOVE YOUR BODY— Divorce, like I said, can be traumatic. And trauma stores itself in the body. It might manifest itself as sore muscles, a tight chest, catching frequent colds, or even disease. To help release the trauma that is stored in the body, forms of trauma therapy like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be helpful. In addition, activities such as aerobic exercise, stretching, yoga, and dance can do wonders to move trapped out of your body.

This is your opportunity to reinvent yourself if you have fallen out of love with who you have become. It’s your chance to tune into yourself—the you that you have lost or the you that you never even knew before. Now is the time to dance to your own rhythm, really and truly knowing that you don’t have to ask anyone’s permission.