How do you know if you have unresolved relationship trauma?

Were you in a toxic relationship that caused you a lot of pain? And have you noticed that you can’t seem to shake the feelings of suffering and are left wondering why you can’t “just get over it”? Here are some signs that you are suffering from unresolved relationship trauma.

1. Physical symptoms. Unresolved trauma can activate the physiological fight, flight, and freeze response. You are in high alert. And this can be extremely stressful for your mind and your body. Putting your body under stress for extended periods of time can lead to inflammation, weakened immune system, arthritis, heart attack, and chronic pain.
2. Feeling like your mind and body are disconnected. If you have begun to feel like you are detached from reality, this is a feature of dissociation. Dissociation is a disruption of your perceptions, memory, emotions, and processing. This can include feeling like traumatic events involving your relationship are occurring in the present.
3. Your brain works differently. The stress from a toxic relationship can change the way your brain functions. You may notice that you are having difficulty concentrating, you have a bad memory, you have racing thoughts, or you might have a hard time figuring out how to feel. You may also notice that you get frustrated easily or feel out of control.
4. Major trust issues. Have you put walls up around you and notice that it is hard to believe in others now— including people you know and love? Trauma brought on by a toxic relationship can stand in the way of your ability to feel safe with another person. Your mind may come up with worst case scenarios in order to protect yourself.
5. You begin engaging in risky behaviors or trying to “live on the edge”. Unresolved trauma sufferers often feel like their thoughts, emotions, and bodies are out of control. So, they sometimes engage in risky behaviors in an attempt to gain control of the sensations they feel or to get a break from trauma symptoms.
6. A constant sense of shame. Guilt is feeling bad about something you have done. And shame is feeling bad about who you are. And as a result of being in a toxic relationship, it is common to have feelings of shame. You may blame yourself for things not working out. You may have thoughts such as “How could I have stayed in something so bad for so long?”, “I’m a terrible person.”, and “I’m so dumb for staying.” Too much shame or guilt is associated with trauma. And toxic shame can make the symptoms of trauma much worse.
7. You react physically to emotional triggers. Triggers that seem normal can take a dark turn and lead to physical reactions. These reactions can become worse over time, as the memories associated with the trauma become more intrusive. Physical reactions can include things like shortness of breath and sweating when you pass someone on the street who looks a bit like your ex, feeling sick to your stomach when you pass your ex’s favorite restaurant, or feeling symptoms of stress when you hear a song that you associate with your ex-partner.

The symptoms of unhealed relationship trauma can literally hurt you. But recognizing why you are reacting as you are is the first step toward healing. My hope is that you begin to realize that running from the trauma might feel like a way to get relief from the pain. But eventually, it will be helpful to face the trauma with the help of a solid support system or psychotherapist.