10 Keys to a Fit Relationship in the New Year

If a new year is what it takes to get you on track with your physical fitness, go for it! Of course, the key is consistency. Physical fitness is important. And something that is just as important, is coming up with a plan to strengthen your relationship muscles with consistent attention and effort. These steps can be useful if you are single, married, or dating. Make it your new year’s resolution to practice them, and you are on track for a healthier, happier, and more fulfilling new year!

1. Practice active listening
   How do you communicate with others? In the age of social media, people spend a lot less time speaking in person than they do communicating through their phones and laptops. It is important to practice active listening when you communicate with people in person. Do you make eye contact? Do you nod or say an occasional “um hum” to acknowledge that the person you are speaking with is being heard? Do you summarize what was said when appropriate? Are you good at mirroring their body language to show the connection between the two of you? Whether you are in a relationship or not, learning to communicate can aide you in growing and maintaining bonds between you and the people in your life. If you make the people in your life feel like they matter enough to be heard and validated, you will find that they will value their time with you all the more.
2. Plan to do something nice for yourself at least 2 times per month
   You know the saying, “No one is going to truly love you if you can’t love yourself.” It’s true. How could you expect to be in a great relationship with a wonderful man or woman that pampers you and makes you feel like the most exceptional person in the world if you treat yourself like you are worthless or undeserving of basic self-care? Get creative and think of things that you imagine would make you feel happy! These should be things that you actually schedule, otherwise life will get in the way and you will end up being last on your priority list. Choose things that are as basic as a candle-lit bubble bath or as exciting as a solo spa retreat in the mountains. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it makes you feel happy, relaxed, special, and cared for!
3. Break the routine
   What would happen if you went to the gym every day for three months and did these same two things: 50 sit ups and 25 bicep curls with 15 pound weights? You would have a tighter tummy and Popeye-sized biceps. But would that be enough to make you feel like you were healthy on a whole? The same is true for relationships. They must be balanced. If you are single, in preparation for the relationship that awaits you, examine your habits. Do you take comfort in going to the same coffee shop every morning before work? Why not take a fresh new route to the office every once in a while and stop in a cafe that you happen to bump into along the way. If you are in a relationship and you are a one trick pony when it comes to showing your partner you care, the relationship is not given the opportunity to grow in the way it has the potential to. If she expects you to bring her flowers every anniversary or Valentine’s Day because that’s all you’ve done, chances are she is bored and would be majorly elated if you surprised her with something new. A change in your routine provides added potential for you to evolve and your relationship to grow.
4. Discover your love language
   Have you heard of Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages? If you haven’t by now, now is the time to discover it. The idea is that we all have one or two major ways in which we feel loved—through acts of service, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. If we feel loved when we receive our ideal expression of love, this is how we also tend to express love to those we care about. Why does this matter? People often underestimate how important it is to know oneself. If you know who you are, you can better decide what you need from a partner. You will also better understand what type of partner will jive best with you. And if you know who you are when you are in a relationship, you are in a better place of understanding your dynamics with your partner. Here is the link to the pdf of the “Single’s Edition” 5 Love Languages quiz: https://s3.amazonaws.com/moody-profiles/uploads/profile/attachment/1/5LLPersonalProfile_SINGLES__1_.pdf
5. Do something that scares you at least once every 3 months
   We are conditioned to avoid negative feelings. If we run from negative feelings, we are also running from opportunities to grow because it can be scary to face something that challenges us and leads us out of our comfort zone. Most of us would rather stay in our comfort zone—even if it is miserable there—than step into the abyss of the unknown—even if there is great opportunities for rewards within this abyss. Relationships can seem like the abyss of the unknown for many of us. If you are not in a relationship right now, what you can due in the meantime is strengthen your courage by facing other things that scare you. You will find that you will become more enthusiastic about life in general, feel more confident and capable of overcoming any challenge that comes your way, and you will grow as you learn who you are in the midst of these experiences that provide major teaching opportunities. Define for yourself what “scary” means. For some this could be sky diving. For others this could mean going out to eat alone. Put on your big girl panties or big boy pants, take a deep breath, and just do it! Exhilaration and growth is waiting for you at the other side!
6. Make amends
   One aspect of Alcoholics Anonymous that I like is the fact that you are expected to work the 12-steps. I truly value, in particular, the steps in which you are expected to list those people that were negatively affected by your drinking and then make amends for how you hurt them. I don’t think this is something that should be limited to those of us in AA. Why not do the same in regard to previous romantic relationships—period? If the person you hurt is open to it, ask them to express how your behavior felt to them. Take responsibility for how your actions have affected them then bravely face the level of vulnerability that this process will force you to have. Forgive yourself. And recognize that this was an act of authentic love—putting your fear and pride aside and showing love. This process will enable you to practice two very important aspects of love that you will be able to utilize in your present or future romantic relationship—forgiveness and vulnerability. Learn more about steps 8 and 9 of the AA 12-steps here:
   http://www.recovery.org/topics/step-8-aa/
   http://www.recovery.org/topics/step-9-aa/
7. Forgive
   Similar to making amends with others for what you did to hurt them, you must learn to forgive others for what they did to hurt you. Unforgiveness is like a cancer that eats you up from the inside. Ask yourself who you have not forgiven. Then forgive them. It’s that simple. Really, it is! The battle is not really between you and the person who hurt you. The battle is within yourself—recognizing that despite your stubborn will to not let go, you have to free yourself of the cancer if you are going to be happy. Yes. They hurt you. Yes. They were wrong. This is not about denial of what was done. It is about an unwillingness to given them the power to hurt you anymore. A good exercise to do here is writing a letter of forgiveness to them. You can either mail it to them or you can decide to create a ritual, in which you rip up or burn the letter at the end, symbolizing that you are letting go. Forgiving does not necessarily mean you have to let this person back in your life again. But, when you forgive, you are in a position to reflect and learn in a way that will make you wiser about the next person with whom you enter into a relationship.
8. Face your feelings
   Okay. So forgive me while I put you on my psychotherapy couch for a few minutes. People spend so much time running from how they feel. It’s unfortunate that they think they are effectively avoiding feeling bad. What they end up doing, is unknowingly seeking unhealthy coping mechanisms and making unwise choices that are subconsciously led by the events that have caused these suppressed feelings—entering into unhealthy relationships is one common coping mechanism. Make room for healthy relationships by taking the time to effectively evict negative emotions from your heart and soul. Dedicate an afternoon or an evening (or if your emotions are really intense—a weekend) to processing and feeling what you have been running from. Before you do, though, have a friend (someone that you trust and that you gave the heads up to) in mind that you can reach out to if you feel that the emotions are too intense to manage on your own. And if before beginning the exercise you are able to predict that these emotions will be too intense for you to manage on your own, trust your instincts here and find a licensed therapist to talk things out with instead of doing this exercise solo. As a matter of fact, seeking support from a therapist is a great idea no matter what! And here is a little tip…not only is crying a strength—something that proves that you were brave enough to face something scary and painful—but it’s literally healthy. Did you know that tears brought on by negative emotions actually contain toxins? When you cry these tears, you are eliminating toxins from your body. So let the tears flow.
9. Declutter
   While it’s a great idea to declutter your life of unwanted things, it’s even more important to declutter your life of friendships that are unhealthy and negative. By this, I do not mean that you should avoid all people who you trust to give you healthy, constructive criticism. These friendships are important in helping you grow and provide you with opportunities to face your authentic self. However, chances are you have friends who are negative for the sake of being negative. Maybe they put you down because they are unhappy or because they are insecure or jealous of you. If your attempts to guide them in another direction do not work, feel free to cut them loose or to at least exercise healthy boundaries. The last thing you want is for their negativity to rub off on you!
10. Dream
    What kind of relationship do you imagine for yourself? Set aside ten minutes a day to detail what that relationship would involve—down to the very emotions it would elicit inside you. Visualize a day in the life of this relationship, using all of your senses while you picture your interactions with the love of your life. Block out any thoughts that contradict this vision you have created. This process is powerful. Stay consistent and it is very likely that your dream will become your reality.